Chasing Balance? Try Just Being Present Instead

Balance nounbal·​ance |  \ ˈba-lən(t)s : an elusive idea often found in fairytales, usually results the pursuer feeling defeated and guilty for not having found it.  

Yes, I made that up.  But you get it.  WHO came up with the idea that work-life balance is an actual thing?  This would suggest that work isn’t our life and that there’s a magical separation between the two.  And don’t we sort of work for a LIVING?  Work and Life couldn’t be any more intertwined if we threw them in a blender.  In a world where we’re forever connected to every facet of our lives (or facets of other peoples’ lives), mom/dad guilt hovers over us until our kids are in their 40s, chasing balance is something I’ve struggled to do. I’ve also struggled believing that I need to chase it.  A nice and novel idea, though I’ve found it to be incredibly unrealistic.  Balancing my world means I need to make changes to spend less energy on something in order to spend more energy on something else. I don’t even know what that means most days…

A few years ago I was leading a conversation with a group of bright and high-performing women in tech in Dublin, when the topic of balance came up.  Someone asked me how I managed to balance work and life.  Little did she know, at that time in my life my husband and I had a daughter in high school, one son in junior high and our youngest son in elementary.  We were building a new home, living in my parents’ basement (yes, we all still really like each other!), and I was ½ way around the world helping my son with homework via text message just before walking into that Women in Tech roundtable. Just sitting down, realized I had forgotten something and needed to ask for a quick moment so I could go back to my phone to finish confirming drop offs and pick ups for the day.

“Can you share advice on how to balance your career with family and a personal life?” someone asked (or something close to that)…. I thought for a moment about my response; wanting to have an encouraging answer, provide helpful tips on prioritization and organization tactics I used to ensure all the moving parts of my chaotic life worked together as a well-oiled machine.  UGH the pressure. A few words into my answer I stopped.  We always want to give good answers, don’t we?  I really didn’t have one.  I looked at her and the group and said “Actually, I don’t balance it all.”  While part of me felt apologetic that I wasn’t going to help them with the perfect formula for doing it all, I wanted them to know that balance was – for me anyway – impossible, and that they shouldn’t feel defeated if they were also struggling with it. The immediate reaction was one of disappointment. They, too, were hoping to hear great insights on what they could do to succeed with all the plates they kept spinning. Soon into the next part of our discussion, I found the room to be relaxed, understanding, and relieved that they didn’t have to chase the idea of the perfect balance for the working mom, wife, partner…

Over the years I’ve found these 3 things help me stay on track, feeling like there’s some sense of order in my life (again, which is not a separate life from my life while I work):

1. Take care of yourself.  You are a high-performer and you likely put a lot of demand on yourself.  Make one of those demands self-care. Maybe for you that’s a run before you kick off the hectic day, or meditating and journaling in the morning, or a massage on a regular basis to make sure you’re detoxifying and aligning your system.  BTW, yes, massage is a powerful health regimen for your nervous system, releasing toxins and improving overall mental focus and mood. If I feel better, I am better, in everything I do.  It’s not always a pampering session with sliced cucumbers on our eyes while we sit in the hot tub afterward.  Use your high-performing methods to make sure you’re including yourself.  You, your family, and your team will be better off for it.
2. Find a way to have fun.  Let’s be honest; We work because we have bills to pay. Some people are incredibly blessed to get paid to do work they are passionate about.  But just like balance, doing your passion and making a solid income isn’t always realistic. That doesn’t mean you can’t have passions.  Find ways to spend time outside of work feeding your soul by doing what you’re passionate about.  Work isn’t always fun, and that’s ok. But mix fun into your schedule and you won’t feel like you’ve deprived yourself entirely.
3. Surround yourself with people you trust – and then empower them.  There’s a lot of talk these days about finding your tribe; the people you want to be around and trust with your most vulnerable moments. In order to be your best you, at work and at home, leaning on your tribe can be key.  First of all, we can’t be in multiple places at the same time, so we need help and we need to get over the stigma of being weak if we ask for it.  Second, we are a species that loves to be needed.  When you ask your family, friend, or team to help, chances are they will welcome the opportunity.  Always find ways to give back and return the favor, showing your appreciation, and you’ll find that you are showing up where you need to be with no guilt of missing out in other areas. 

I take my job personally. My work will always be a key part of my personal life, and vice versa. They aren’t separate entities I need to balance out; they are continuously intertwined.

The notion that we should be able to find balance used to make me feel like I was always falling a little short. What if, instead of seeking balance, we found ways to manage an integrated life? Take the pressure off.  Take the long lunch so you can volunteer at the kids’ school party (and if you manage a team/org, allow your teams to do so). Make up your work by asking your partner to pick up the kids so you can stay back a little later or take care of dinner while you catch up at home.  At the end of the day, the one thing you shouldn’t compromise is how you NEED to spend your time. If you need to volunteer at the book fair, do that. If you need to knock out your email while your kids are hanging in the living room, do so. This might not work for everyone, but it’s certainly helped me do it all and be a good example for my kids. I know this isn’t always possible for certain careers/jobs, but if/when possible, it could make a difference.

Personally, I find myself feeling guilty chasing what I want, so I try to focus on what I need.  And as long as we realize that we NEED to be present for the soccer game and wrestling matches, and that we NEED to log in to finish our work, even if that means we eat a dinner Betty Crocker might wince at, we’ll be doing ok.  I don’t know, maybe that is balance?  

I guess what I’m trying to say is, there is no perfect balance. Only you know what your mix should be, and sacrifices on both sides are inevitable. Refuse to let guilt creep into your mind.  That person you think has their life all buttoned up and has managed to strike a balance is likely just successfully living their totally intertwined, bundle of chaos, life.

Insight for Ladies with Drive

A BALANCED SWING

When it comes to your golf swing, balance is critical.  I often forget about this component; I’m usually too focused on holding my posture (as opposed to keeping my head down) or hitting it well enough to go the distance. My instructor gave me a few tips on how to stay relaxed, keep my tempo in check, and stay balanced for a solid swing. 

Relax: Just a quick exercise of gripping the club really tight and releasing a couple of times and focusing on your breathing as you approach the ball should help. 

Tempo:  Line up 4 balls at the driving range.  Hit them at different speeds, starting at 25% of what your normal speed is, then go to 50, then 75, and finally 100.  Paying attention to the different speeds will help you find the one that feels most natural and keep you from going too fast (which can throw off everything else) or hesitating, disrupting the power.  Keeping yourself in a comfortable rhythm should also combat the issues from tension. 

Balance:  Swing a short iron slowly with both feet together.  If you can take the swing without feeling like you’re falling over, great.  If not, work on keeping the weight even between your heels and toes and practice the drill until you find that your full rotation isn’t throwing you off balance.